Hello Spider

Writings & Whatnot by Rob Hill

Notes From Berlin

German isn’t ordinarily the most soothing of tongues, an earthy cocktail of saliva and sawtoothed edges. But the tone of the feminine voice that poured out from the airplane intercom as we were flying somewhere over Cork sounded as gentle as waterlilies afloat on a pond. I assumed she was giving a courteous flight status update or weather report. But then she repeated the message in English. “Ladies and gentleman, if there’s a doctor on board the plane please signal one of the flight attendants. Thank you.” I glanced down at the tray of chicken I had only taken a few bites of before pushing it aside with distaste, remembering how in the movie Airplane! it was the fish that had KOed most of the passengers and crew. Eight hours wedged into an airplane seat, legs twitchy, head throbbing, my torso covered with a blue fuzzy blanket that smelled like synthetic body odor. To keep myself distracted I watched movies intended for IMAX on the tiny screen embedded in the seat ahead of me. Somehow, despite the discomfort, I managed to get some sleep.

A long queue formed at the airport customs booth in a space clearly not designed for it. No questions asked. Stamped and sent on my way. Not everyone had it so easy. The man with the cowboy hat and the abundantly-stickered guitar case slung across his shoulder had a lot of explaining to do. Soon I was heading into Berlin aboard the U-Bahn, exchanging glances with a Nico lookalike across the aisle. The trains are boxy and yellow, and look precisely how I would imagine German trains to look in a sixties spy film. Tucked in my wallet was a seven-day train pass, which no one had asked to see and there had been no turnstiles to swipe it through before boarding. Public transportation on the honor system in the United States, I mused, would be a money-hemorrhaging operation.

I emerged into the grey daylight and made my way past a series of casinos and Indian restaurants to my silverblue postmodern hotel, which looked like it was assembled from scraps from a decommissioned submarine. I unpacked and set about exploring the city. The sky was mulling over the possibility of raining. Having skipped breakfast on the plane, my first priority was locating food. I found a vendor hawking currywurst, a staple of Berlin streetfood—sausage doused in ketchup and curry powder. The ketchup is a little tangier than its American cousin, otherwise it tasted pretty much like I expected it would.

My plan was to get most of the touristy spots out of the way and then move on to more esoteric sights. With its alluring name, the Topography of Terror was first on my list. It turned out to be one long remnant of wall adorned with photos and enlarged newspaper clippings of various Nazi shenanigans. I was captivated by a surreal photo of a classroom full of students wearing gasmasks. Up the road was Checkpoint Charlie, the iconic gateway between the East and West during the Cold War. A McDonald’s loomed prominently in the background as some kind of ideological middle finger. A Turkish woman approached, asked if I spoke English and seemed so grateful to learn I did. I assumed she wanted directions or something but instead she handed me a card saying she and her three children had been stranded in Berlin for the past few years and were trying to raise enough money to escape. I handed her a pocketful of change.

Many of the infamous Nazi bookburnings were held at Bebelplatz, a benign-looking plaza flanked by construction. A beflowered square of glass in the pavement served as some kind of memorial, but the sun, which had finally decided to poke its head out, reflected harshly in the pane, making it impossible to see what lie underneath. I dodged the crowds at Brandenburg Gate and passed the Hotel Adlon, where Michael Jackson infamously dangled one of his kids over a balcony like some kind of neo-pagan sacrifice. An intimidating queue to visit the dome of the Reichstag stretched down the block. Hard to believe the stately building, now restored, sat out much of the twentieth century as a ruin. I walked the length of the Tiergarten and huffed to the top of the Victory Column, which I recognized from a memorable scene in Wim Wenders’ film Wings of Desire. It was built to celebrate the nation’s victory in the Danish-Prussian War of 1864, but by the time construction finished they had dragged themselves through a few more skirmishes and tacked those onto the celebration as well. The view from here was predictably spectacular. The most prominent features in the Berlin skyline were a television tower called the Fernsehturm, which looked like a grape impaled on a knitting needle, and a robot army of yellow construction cranes. Seventy years after getting the bejeezus bombed out of it, the city was still being rebuilt.

I tailed a gothy-looking woman in leather, with Louise Brooks bangs and a Nosferatu handbag, who looked like she was probably headed towards the Bauhaus Archive. She was. I traded my driver’s license for an English language audioguide and plunged into the collection. The gallery was crammed full of models of provocative architectural designs, most of them award-winning but few, it turned out, actually built. Many of the styles reminded me of the modern home from Jacques Tati’s Mon Oncle and James Mason’s Mount Rushmore hideaway in North by Northwest. I learned the artists Klee and Kandinsky had been teachers at the school, which made sense, since their work appeared to echo the Bauhaus aesthetic. Examples of design, such as Marcel Breur’s cantilevered chair, impressed upon me how styles we now take for granted were once considered visionary and controversial.

En route to Potzdamer Platz, I stopped at the Berlin Philharmonic, which looks like a Chinese emperor’s flat golden hat, where I inquired at the ticket window about an upcoming Anne-Sophie Mutter concert. Tickets turned out to be well over sixty euros, so I passed. In the wake of WWII, Potzdamer Platz was a rubblestrewn no-man’s-land, but has since been lavishly rebuilt into some kind of space-age mall. Photos are not allowed inside the Museum für Film und Fernsehen (Museum for Film and Television). I found this out when an agitated guard rushed over, sputtering in German. Clips of Metropolis and Dr Mabuse played on giant screens in a labyrinthian chamber of steel reflections. One section was devoted to The Cabinet of Dr Caligari, that pinnacle of German Expressionism, including an elaborate diorama of the production stage and original poster art. Several galleries were set aside in commemoration of screen legend Marlene Dietrich, displaying her costumes, luggage, letters, and such accoutrement.

The Führerbunker, where Hitler spent his last days and eventually did himself in, is now nothing more than a parking lot distinguished by a sign. (The Führerparkplatz?) I was surprised anyone else was able to find the spot, tucked as it was behind some anonymous apartment blocks, yet a small crowd was gathered when I approached. Some dads squinted at the wording of the information sign while a scattering of kids sat on some concrete bumpers nearby looking bored. Just north of this was a field of staggered black cubes which turned out to be the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. A woman passing near me described to her husband that it was like stepping into an MC Escher drawing.

I hopped a train across town to where the stately Oberbaumbrücke crosses the river Spree. Along the bridge’s walkway a bagpiper belted out a wheezy Mozart tune. I walked in circles around the neighborhood of Kreuzberg looking for a traditional German restaurant. This turned out to be the wrong part of town for that, for there were none to be found, though there was no shortage of Mexican or Middle Eastern fare. Shawarma on every corner. Eventually I located a suitable place where I hid in the back on a dark wood bench and ordered Käsespätzle and a Berliner weisse with raspberry syrup. David Bowie songs blared from the stereo. Kreuzberg reminded me vaguely of Bushwick in Brooklyn, or what the East Village must have been like in the seventies, in that it’s a landscape of decaying husks that have been reappropriated by artists. The architecture in Berlin is a strange patchwork of oppressive cubes and space age angles. Pessimism and optimism woven together in the same city blocks, with fledgling little parks rising out of industrial corners. Strange balls of fluff routinely descend from the sky looking at first glance like snow. I keep forgetting to stay off the bicycle paths which, unlike in New York, are not separated from the sidewalk by a curb. I’m surprised not to have seen any horrendous bicycle accidents, the way riders careen through the streets, weaving in and out of pedestrians. In Neukölln I saw a kid on a bike jolt to a stop inches from an old woman in a burqa. She didn’t flinch a muscle, just stood her ground and glared daggers at him.

An elderly woman on the morning train devoured Wuthering Heights in German translation like it was a scandalous bodiceripper. At last my train pass paid off when a ticket inspector wormed his way along the car, asking to see everyone’s ticket. He stared at mine for an uncomfortably long time but eventually handed it back, satisfied. Must not be a common sight, I figured, since most commuters probably use single rides or monthly passes. A young blonde woman wasn’t so lucky. The inspector followed her onto the platform and the last thing I saw was him scrutinizing her ID and copying down the information on a pad while she waited patiently but redfaced.

In the late seventies David Bowie and Iggy Pop decided it would be a good idea to move to what was the heroin capital of the world in an attempt to kick their drug addictions. They shared an apartment in Schöneberg, a sandbag-colored building exhibiting no outward signs of glam decadence. The man taking out the garbage in the small courtyard in back probably rolled his eyes at the sight of me taking photographs of this otherwise nondescript building. I know I would’ve. But I wanted to get a sense of location for Bowie’s Berlin years and this seemed like a good place to start. The skies looked up to no good and I found a kebab stand just in time to stand under the awning as a heavy rain let loose. The doner kebabs, another staple of Berlin street food, are awfully tasty (garlic sauce is the secret) but I have yet to master the art of eating them without spilling the ingredients all over my clothes.

Outside the Alexanderplatz station I encountered what could be one of the least dignified jobs in modern history, a hotdog vendor on his feet, his hotdog-making tray suspended by his shoulders and a red umbrella fixed above him in the event of inclement weather. There he stands, the embodiment of humiliation, as commuters come and go, sweeping past his pleading glances like he is a lodged rock impeding their upstream swim.

Why there is a Ramones Museum in Berlin is not a question I have the answer to, as the band seems so inseparable from the once-gritty streets of New York. From outside the museum looks like a clumsy recreation of CBGB. The front of the museum serves as a ragged coffeehouse while the punk artifacts are kept in back, through a swinging saloon door. The fellow behind the counter greeted me in hesitant German. When I replied in English he gratefully reverted to an American accent. He handed me a bottle of lemonade as part of the ticket price and I headed inside. Concert footage played from a hanging television. Wallspace and display cases were crammed with photos of the band, newspaper clippings, stage diagrams, signed frisbees, a pair of Johnny Ramone’s ripped jeans, and other punkwardly minutiae. A photograph of Dee-Dee Ramone and Sid Vicious hanging out backstage made for an interesting bridge between the American and British factions.

A scraggly busker outside the Warschauer station strummed the chords to “Take Me Home Country Roads” for the gutterpunks ensconced along the bridge, who appeared to enjoy it unironically as they hit up passersby for change. The restaurant Spatzel and Knodel wasn’t quite where my phone’s TripAdvisor map claimed it was. Despite our wealth of technology, never underestimate the importance of knowing your destination’s street address. I planted myself at a knifescarred table and ordered vinegar-soaked beef with dumplings. The table next to mine spoke English with lilting Michael Caine accents as the stereo coughed up a steady stream of reggae.

SO36, often referred to as the CBGB of Berlin, was having some kind of punk flea market when I ducked in to pay my respects. The thickly flyerplastered walls looked like they’d seen their share of vomit and blood over the years. Ended up at a subterranean lair called Madame Claude’s, where I was greeted by an ominous Twin Peaks motif at the entrance—a portrait of Laura Palmer hung above an lonely chair and floorlamp. Past this, a spiral staircase descended to a series of chambers with furniture fastened upsidedown to the ceiling. Here two DJs played snippets of music and asked those assembled to guess the artist. Since most of the music was American I figured I’d have the jump on them, but this turned out not to be the case. One particularly enthusiastic table up front pounced on the answers before I could even formulate a coherent response in my head.

Took the train out to Dahlem on the western outskirts of the city where the Brücke Museum lay hidden amid serene estates. The Brücke (“Bridge”) movement was ground zero for German Expressionism in the early 20th century, and a prime influence on Bowie during his Berlin years. On display were numerous works by the artists Erich Heckel and Karl Schmidt-Rottluff. But the bulk of the gallery’s wallspace was devoted to Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, whose prints I recognized as illustrations from a Kafka novel I once owned. I imagine the museum was ordinarily a quiet and reflective place, but today I had to step around a puddle of children scribbling in crayon on the museum floor. Within walking distance was the Allied Museum, where I encountered the first assemblage of American accents I’d heard since leaving JFK airport. A bus pulled up, a crew of paunchy Americans spilled out, snapped pictures of everything in sight, squeezed back on the bus, and roared away. Escapees from a Warnemünde cruise ship was my guess. The original Checkpoint Charlie booth and an immense warplane filled the parking lot, while the inside of the museum was crammed full of military outfits, letters, field supplies, full-sized jeeps, and a reconstruction of an escape tunnel. Irving Berlin, I learned to my amusement, had been convinced to write a theme song for the Berlin airlift called “Operation Vittles.”

A long trek into the dense woods of Grunewald, or “green forest,” brought me to the Forsthaus Paulsborn, a historic lodge buried deep in the weald near a sparkling lake. I initially thought they were closed, since all the chairs in its biergarten were upturned and there appeared to be no sign of life. But as I approached I discovered not only was the massive front door unlocked but there were a few diners inside the grand hall, which had a royal hunting lodge ambience, antlers and other such hunting trophies on the walls. I took a table at the far end of the room, where Billie Holiday’s voice emanated discreetly from a corner. The menu was in German only and I had to rely on the waitress to translate. Unfortunately for me her English wasn’t very strong. And my German was useless beyond a few rudimentary gestures. Rumpsteak sounded safe but I didn’t recognize the word for the dish that came with it. All her attempts at translation drew blank looks from me. She described it as having a “long body with a hat,” which sounded beguiling so I went ahead and ordered it. Only when she set the plate before me did I realize I had been tricked into ordering asparagus. Or “spargel” as it was called here. It was monstrously large and faintly yellow in color, not the sickly green stem I’m accustomed to. Fortunately it came doused in Hollandaise sauce. An entire gravyboat of it, in fact. Even drenched in the sauce I found the rumpsteak tasted like a boiled boot. As I ate I listened to the British diners across the room carrying on with talk of Canterbury and the White Cliffs of Dover. When the waitress returned to check on my food she asked, “For you all is nice?” I attempted a phrase I had been rehearsing in my head for the last few minutes: “Die rechnung, bitte.” The check, please. “Ah, gut!” she squealed, nearly applauding my effort.

A bobhaired gamin tapdanced whimsically on the platform while waiting for the train. Not showing off, it seemed, just amusing herself to pass the time. Meanwhile a roguish gentleman caught without a train ticket figured he could make a break for it and was promptly chased down by a swarm of greenvested inspectors. As my train jolted away I watched him stumble and fall over an outstretched pair of legs, to be pounced on by his unamused pursuers. The center of my train car quickly cleared out when a reeking puddle of liquid fecal matter was discovered on the floor. As in New York, an empty train car is usually empty for a reason.

The house where Bertolt Brecht spent the last few years of his life is now a museum where his furniture and possessions are preserved for devotees of the influential playwright. Brecht occupied the second floor while his wife, Helene Weigal, lived above him on the third. They shared a common kitchen and dining area on the first. To communicate they often left notes written on index cards for each other on the stairs. His library was brimming with books, arranged by genre, which the guide assured me was in a far more organized state than Brecht had kept it, being the organized chaos type. A slew of cheap paperbacks lined the top rows of his bookshelves—Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, Rex Stout, and the like. Turns out he was a rabid fan of detective novels. The house is situated on what was East Berlin at the time but Brecht himself occupied a curious ideological no-man’s-land. The West suspected him of being a Communist and the East regarded him as overly decadent, which meant he was under suspicion by practically everyone but for entirely different reasons. After his death, Helene moved down to the first floor and preserved the upper rooms as an archive. Conveniently located next door, on the far side of an crumbling stone wall, is the cemetery in which Bertolt and Helene are buried. One of their cemetery-mates is the philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel.

The Design Panoptikum, or Museum of Extraordinary Objects, is run by a lively Russian artist and photographer named Vlad Korneev. He habitually prowls through junkyards searching for oddball debris like old medical equipment and vintage cameras, which he fashions into anthropomorphised robot sculptures. His main concern, he explained to me in rapidfire speech, is the intersection of form and function. As an example he showed me a metal green pod that looked like a submarine for hamsters. But flipped upside down it became obvious it was a rather commonplace streetlamp. What looked like a fearsome medieval torture device turned out to be a Soviet grasscutter with the handle missing. An iron flower was actually the spinning part of an airplane engine. The centerpiece of the gallery was an iron lung made from leftover WWII submarine parts. Vlad told me he was eager to visit America someday and I assured him he’d have a field day poking through the rubble of Detroit.

Eerie aftermath of an accident. A police van blocked off a Kreuzberg intersection. Seated inside, a cop punched information into his laptop. Under the floodlights were a crumpled bicycle lying in the road, measuring tape draped over a white car with a crumpled fender, chalk hieroglyphs on the pavement. The sidewalk was spotted with casual gawkers. There was something oddly matter-of-fact about the entire procedure, like it was nothing more than a road crew installing a new traffic light.

There wasn’t much in the way of food open this late near my hotel, but across the street I found a pizza joint with the sign still lit. The owner and, presumably, his wife were sitting in the dark in an adjoining room. Both looked like over time they’d had the life kicked out of them. The owner rose reluctantly and came over to take my order. I glanced along the counter, surprised there were no readymade pizzas from which to dish out slices, as is typical in New York. Instead I discovered for three euros he whips up an entire pizza from scratch for you. Then with a small machete chops it into small squares to be eaten with a tiny plastic fork. I was just glad I didn’t have to eat my dinner out of a vending machine.

At every subway stop comes an announcement that sounds to my ear like “eine schwein, bitte,” which would mean, “a pig, please.” I hoped this was the case, that you were expected to bring along a pig to offer the transit officials in order to ride their train. After asking around I eventually learned the voice was saying “einsteigen, bitte,” or in essence, “all aboard,” which I suppose makes more sense. I also wondered why so many of their escalators appeared to be broken down. I started to form a negative impression of Berlin train station maintenance until eventually I realized the escalators operated by electric eye and thus sat motionless until approached.

At the end of a graffiti-splattered alley, guarded by an animatronic hybrid batfrog statue, lies the entrance to the Monsterkabinett. Myself and a small group of venturers were ushered down into the murky subterranean lair, past Hitler’s brain encased in a glass skull. What transpired down there was difficult to describe. It was as if Walt Disney hired Alejandro Jodorowsky to redesign the It’s a Small World ride and convinced Rammstein to compose the music. Through the seething smoke a dancing robot hatched an egg from its brain while another beat percussion on a skull’s tophat. Meanwhile I had to dart to one side to avoid getting pulverized by a vicious metal attack spider and a four-eyed disco beast with extending lips. The show concluded with an anti-monster spray that blew the face off a mannequin. Only when I returned to the surface did I realize I had been so taken off my guard that I had neglected to grab any photos of the unearthly steambeasts.

Down to Nollendorfplatz for a prearranged tour of the author Christopher Isherwood’s old stomping grounds. I rendezvoused with the guide, Brendan Nash, and the rest of our six-person touring crew under the clock outside the subway entrance. Isherwood lived in Berlin from 1929 until 1933, when he was pressured out of the city by the rise of the Nazis. He wrote about his dabblings with Weimar decadence in the collection known as The Berlin Stories, which were later ground up as fodder for the musical Cabaret. The iconic character of Sally Bowles was based on a woman he knew named Jean Ross. Though she has a memorable introduction in Goodbye to Berlin, Isherwood later admitted he couldn’t remember how he actually met her. Located not far from his apartment, a nightclub called El Dorado was the inspiration for the fictionalized Lady Windemere, which later became the Kit Kat Club of Cabaret. The disapproving Nazis eventually shut it down and hung their swastikas in the windows. The building still stands, albeit now as a supermarket. At least a few photos of the original interior are displayed on their walls. Down the block was the site of the Scala Club, no longer standing. According to rumor Hitler was a frequent guest, an admirer of the synchronized dancing girls in military uniforms. It seems he was a fan of precision in any form. A high-end lesbian bar called Les Garcons was run by a glamorous woman named Susi Wanowski. Her lover was the dancer and actress Anita Berber, whom Nash described as the Amy Winehouse of her day. The subject of an Otto Dix portrait titled “The Dancer Anita Berber,” she was outrageous even for that notoriously decadent period. Once when a man in the audience dared to talk during her act she smashed him over the head with his own champagne bottle, then leapt on the table, lifted her skirt, and urinated on him. Antics like these didn’t do much for her popularity. Eventually she ended up in Beirut with severe drug problems, culminating in an onstage collapse. Gravely ill, she returned to Berlin where she died penniless. Her funeral was attended by a mere twelve people. Long after the war, Isherwood returned to Berlin while writing a magazine article called “Back to Berlin.” There he encountered his old landlady, whom he had fictionalized as Frau Schroeder, still living in the same building. He was shocked by the extent of damage his old neighborhood had sustained from Allied bombing raids. Nash passed around photos of rubblestrewn sites and a collapsed train station, the very station he led us back to where the tour concluded.

To Potsdamer Platz for a tour of the legendary Hansa Studios. A truckload of notable albums have been recorded here over the years, but the two that primarily yanked my attention were David Bowie’s Heroes and Iggy Pop’s Lust For Life, and these are the ones I’m most eager to hear antecdotes about. A large group had already assembled outside the studio entrance when I arrived. Our guide was Thilo Schmied, he of the demonically pointed beard. An American camera crew whom we were told were filming a documentary about David Hasselhoff trailed us into the lobby. Perhaps their intention was to make it look as though this large band of people were gathered for Hasselhoffian purposes. We headed up the majestic staircase to the Meistersaal ballroom known as Studio 2, which had once been a concert hall for chamber music and was renowned for its rich reverb. The vocal sound on U2’s “One” is a good example of this. (An aside: the legendary Krautrock producer Conny Plank was once asked to produce U2. After meeting the band he refused, claiming, “I can’t work with that singer.”) In the early days the structure was so unsound that steel nets were placed along the ceiling of the ballroom to prevent debris from dropping onto the musicians’ heads. Once during a recording session the industrial band Einstürzende Neubauten was asked to be as noisy as possible, as a building was being erected next door and the construction crew wanted to gauge how much soundproofing would be needed. The band readily complied and proceeded to drop a succession of clangorous metal objects from the ceiling. The ballroom floor may have been damaged, but the builders got the sound measurements they were looking for. Another band that recorded there extensively was Depeche Mode. Thilo showed us a photo of the band during their pre-leather days taken outside the studio, lounging on rubble wearing sandals over fluffy socks. We heard a story about a drugged-up member of Killing Joke going berserk with a fire extinguisher, causing extensive damage to a piano and the studio’s mixing board. Located down the hall from the ballroom, the former control room was now outfitted with a bar for social events. Here we stood beside the window from which Bowie had spotted two enigmatic figures (later confirmed as producer Tony Visconti and his mistress) kissing in the shadow of the Berlin Wall, which had given him the idea for the lyrical imagery of “Heroes.” This was also the window through which the musicians taunted East German guards in a nearby watchtower. “What are they going to do, shoot at us?” would’ve made for memorable last words. We headed upstairs to the more modern Studio 1, which in an effort to prevent unwanted echo was designed with a complete absence of 90-degree angles. Even the ceiling slanted. The drum room had a marble ceiling, designed for that bombastic eighties drum sound once considered desirable. These days many drummers prefer to cram their sets into the smaller guitar booth for a starker effect. We all crowded in the control room where Thilo played U2’s “One” at a blistering volume so we could hear the ballroom’s natural echo on Bono’s vocals. Then he played Bowie’s “Heroes” which gave me shivers, hearing it in the very location where it was recorded.

I wandered into a Kreuzberg bar called Würgeengel, named after the Luis Bunuel film The Exterminating Angel according to a sign hanging from the restroom door. I ordered a pint of grog and sat eavesdropping on the lively table beside me discussing six-story Japanese sex emporiums stocked with used panties vending machines, which later somehow transitioned into a scandal involving China selling pandas to Denmark. Finished my drink and headed down the street to a David Lynch-themed rock club called Wild at Heart. The front of the club was crammed full of people so I wove my way to the back where I could sit in relative peace near an empty stage. It soon turned out an all-girl band called Mushi Features was making their live debut, as well as it being the guitarist’s birthday. As soon as they took the stage and struck a chord everyone at the bar surged forth as if a levee had given way. After the band finished their set of feisty punk numbers I escaped from there and found another, quieter, bar called the Mano Cafe which was honeycombed with narrow passages and chambers. A ladder led up to a loft above the entrance. Beside me at the bar a pale short-haired woman straight out of an Otto Dix portrait chatted with her friends in English about her love of old movies. By this point I’d imbibed enough to casually lean in and recount for her the story of Buster Keaton unknowingly breaking his neck while filming Sherlock Jr. She turned out to have grown up in the Washington Heights neighborhood in New York. Of all the people in all of Berlin to start a conversation with I pick one from my home city. (Of all the gin joints…) I asked her and her friends what unusual things they recommend I do on my last remaining day in the city. A girl with punky peroxided hair jotted down some suggestions in my notebook, among them the Soviet War Memorial in Treptower Park and Tempelhofer Feld, a decommissioned airport turned into a public park. On the trainride back to my hotel an excitable girl told her friend, and unwittingly the entire train, “My boyfriend’s alway drunk. And when he’s drunk he’s really gay.”

My last proper day in Berlin and I woke to rain falling like a burst water main. People lurked in doorways and under awnings, still drunk from the night before, swigging from bottles and stumbling down subway stairs. This was not celebratory drinking. They drank like they took their drinking very seriously. They drank soberly. One brazenly pissed in a trashcan as morning commuters passed by pretending not to notice. Another nodded off with his bottle gripped in a very calloused hand, sagging in his seat, a defeated old man.

In what was once the Sovietest part of town I found myself at the bewildering intersection of Mollstrasse and Mollstrasse. I headed east along the Karl-Marx-Allee (formerly called Stalinallee until Stalin became suddenly unpopular), a wide boulevard of imposing cubic monoliths that somehow manages to appear empty even when lively with cars and shops. The Stasi Museum, tucked away down an unassuming sidestreet, is located inside the former Ministry of State Security building. There I marveled over exhibits of spy cameras hidden in neckties, logs of wood, oil barrels, watering cans, and thermoses. Rooms and furniture were preserved just as they’d been during the glory days of the Deutsche Demokratische Republik. Tape recorders hidden in closets, elaborate telephone systems installed into the desks as you see in spy films of the period. Children’s propagandist drawings of happy East German families. On the wall hung the “Ten Commandments of Socialist Morality,” one of which translated into “You shall protect and enhance state-owned property.” Under a glass display were confiscated teen magazines smuggled illegally into the East, with covers sporting such ideologically verboten figures as Bruce Springsteen and Magnum PI. An absorbing time capsule of Soviet life.

Hungry, I grabbed a burger from a stand called Burgermeister which was built into a converted pissoir under the elevated train. Then I hopped on the Ring, a branch of the train system that circumnavigates the city and the quickest way to reach the Templehof Airport, which was converted into a public park in 2008. The former runways were bescattered with parkgoers rollerskating, flying kites, walking dogs, racing remote control cars. Unfortunately the airport terminal building itself was gated off, still in use for God knows what. It was advertised as one of the biggest buildings in Europe when it was built. I followed the sound of an impassioned German voice coming over a loudspeaker, images of the Nuremberg Rally flashing through my head. This led me to a game of beach soccer being played in a sandpit.

Freischwimmer is a restaurant fashioned out of an old boathouse along a canal. There I had a beer and watched the ducks cruise the canal for handouts, all while trying to avoid becoming a mosquito feast. Chirpy birds landed on my table with hopeful expressions despite the fact that I had nothing to offer them. The monotonous pulse of Eurotrance, or whatever the proper terminology is, throbbed across the canalwater from an outside bar. It sounded like a clangorous old copying machine set to infinite copies. Some scraggly fiddle music would’ve been more appropriate, I thought, to go with the fishy wharf smell.

I wandered through the verdant Treptower Park in search of the Soviet War Memorial. Few things smell better than the woods after a recent rain, though I could live without the mosquitos. I never would have found the memorial on my own, set deep in the woods as it was. I was not prepared for its grand and majestic scale, and felt miniscule in comparison. Like in a science fiction movie where astronauts are exploring what they assume is a barren planet and suddenly come upon a sprawling civilization the likes of which they have never seen before. The Soviets certainly did things in a big way. The memorial was built in 1949 to commemorate the Russian soldiers killed in the Battle of Berlin. A college student meditated on a bench, twisted into a lotus position. This was an ideal spot to come contemplate your insignificant role in the mechanics of the universe. Serene and reflective. With the exception of two teenage girls playing racquetball beside a monolith.

And then the curtain came down and the show was over. Without much enthusiasm I found myself airbound for the States. During the flight I got into a conversation with the German businessman beside me who was coming to NYC for a meeting on the twenty-somethingth floor of the Empire State Building. He’d lived in Berlin since the eighties and remembered the days when Potsdamer Platz was a rubblestrewn wasteland. He very helpfully gave me recommendations for places I should’ve visited. Perhaps next time. We talked about Berlin architecture, East vs West, the ugly brutalist buildings which were so perplexingly fashionable during the sixties. He pointed out that during the air raids, many people were killed not from the bombs or fires themselves, but from suffocation in the massive firestorms caused by the buildings having been built so close together. He said post-war city planning kept this in mind and many areas, such as around Alexanderplatz, were designed to avoid this ever happening again.

After landing at JFK I was not even out of the airport when one belligerent woman screamed “fucking bitch!” to another who was moving a touch too slow for her taste. Which, really, is just New York City’s way of saying “welcome back, sojourner!”

The Serpent

I was having dinner late one evening in my chambers when I felt a most disagreeable sensation in my abdomen. My first thought was of food poisoning, but then I sensed motion, which alarmed me greatly. I leapt to my feet, knocking over my wine, and hastily unzipped my trousers. Horrified I saw a snake making its way out from my urethra, its dull red tongue flickering back and forth like fleshy jolts of electricity. I let out a choked gasp. The sensation of its scales moving against my vulnerable inner skin made me unbearably queasy on top of an indescribable pain.

I grabbed the creature just behind its head so it couldn’t retreat back inside or bite me, then I hurried out to the garden terrace to get rid of it. I didn’t want it loose in my house. I don’t know why that was my first concern. The moon was dimmed by clouds and the walls of my garden tall enough that my neighbors were unlikely to peer in on my strange activities. Still grasping the serpent by the throat, I pulled it out a little at a time, worried that if I yanked too fast I might somehow cause damage to myself. I suppressed the urge to vomit. Finally it came clear, its wriggling tail coated in a thick mucus, and I flung it to the ground where it slithered away into the shadow of a flowerbed. I crouched there on the terrace, wincing, fighting not to let my imagination have free rein. I was not ready to envision the eggs it may have left inside me.

A tremendous crumbling sound interrupted the silence. From my crouched position I glanced up and saw that my building was improbably tilting forward, and began to collapse in slow motion. More puzzled than frightened, I watched as the bricks slowly slid apart, almost gracefully, like a ballet of destruction. As if the mortar had turned to slush. It was happening so languidly that I was easily able to walk out from its path, circling my way around to the street out front where I would be safe. There I noticed the neighboring buildings too were collapsing, like time lapse footage of a flower blooming. Alarmed people evacuated their homes, some carrying children, some struggling into their clothing, others still dressed in their nightclothes, and flooded the streets as the structures around us slowly dismantled.

There were no casualties we later learned. Everyone had plenty of time to escape before the buildings collapsed into rubble. We wandered wordlessly through the destruction, hunting for valuables we could recover. Our homes were gone. It was as if the city itself had committed suicide.

The Balloonseller

The balloonseller lay at the foot of the craggy steps, unmoving, smoke issuing up through a fist-sized hole in his chest. A well-to-do couple out for an evening stroll rounded a corner and hurried past, visibly annoyed at having to circle around the supine figure. His chalky beard was filed to a sharp point, his mummy brown overcoat swaddled him like a candywrapper. A ruddyfaced policeman came by on a pennyfarthing, dismounted and inspected the body for signs of life. None found. The hole in the body, he noted curiously, appeared to be an exit wound, as though the body had been attacked from the inside out. Perhaps the heart had burst, he speculated. Parked at the top of the steps was the unattended balloon cart. The balloons themselves by now had all been stolen by neighborhood children. A single dull yellow balloon was caught in the branches of a nearby tree, as if intercepted while making a getaway. The policeman knew the balloonseller vaguely from his rounds in the park and was aware he had no family. It had been a long tiring day of grifters and cheats, and the policeman was in no mood for more paperwork. He took the balloonseller by the heels and, huffing, dragged him through the grass down to the water. There he dumped the body in, cursing when he splashed water on his trouserleg. Using the spine of a broken umbrella he found discarded nearby he prodded the body away from shore and watched it float downstream towards someone else’s jurisdiction. Then he returned to the balloon cart and wheeled it along the path, abandoning it in the shadows under a stone bridge where it wouldn’t be easily noticed. On returning to the steps he discovered someone had stolen the pennyfarthing in his absence. Scowling, he stormed off in the direction of the park entrance, looking for something to kick that was soft and incapable of kicking back.

Lost Glove

Griff often hung around the slimeways of the Combat Zone on weekends, selling narcotic chewing gum to minors and undercover cops. The cops didn’t bother to arrest him anymore, they just dished him out a ticket and moved along. Sometimes they even robbed him of his wares if it was a slow night, which always crushed his spirits. This time was no different. They stole his stash of gum and stuffed him in a nearby trash can. It took him fifteen minutes to wriggle free. He went home reeking of dead salad.

He shared a lopsided apartment with a girl named Martyr in the Bay Village, above a transvestite motorcycle bar. They used to be fairly intimate until the decay set in. Now they didn’t do much together except for the occasional night out for bowling.

Thursday she showed him the lumps in her neck. He thought they felt like eggs forming under the skin. She was unhappy about this and poked at her bowl of Rice Krispies until they grew soggy. Griff lay on the futon with his head hanging upside down off the edge and imagined what it would be like if gravity reversed and he was able to walk on the ceiling. They listened to the radiator gorging on metal birds.

“It’s cold,” Griff mentioned without much commitment.

Martyr ran her hand over the eggs in her neck. “I’m sorry I sold your jacket.”

“It’s okay. I’ll find another one.”

“I was hungry.”

“I know.”

There was a rheumatic candle on the coffeetable. Griff trained his thoughts on it, trying to move it telekinetically. Nothing happened. He couldn’t figure out which muscle to flex.

“I’m going out,” he said.

“You can borrow my jacket if you’d like.”

“Thanks.”

He went down to the bridge and stared at the pondwater, wondering what it would be like to abandon a capsizing ship on a cold Baltic night. The straggly accordion boy wasn’t at his post on the far side of the bridge, like some wheezing minstrel troll. Leaning over the stone rail he spotted something small and dark near the water’s edge. He left the bridge and scuffled down to the object. It was a single glove. The left hand, begrimed with dirt. He felt sorry for it. He took it down the street to a laundromat and fed it gently to a washing machine. There was a girl watching her laundry going round and round in a noisy dryer. She looked like she was gleaning her future from it. She wore a funny round hat with a bow on it. She had a lavender aura. He watched her for a little bit, then went over.

“You look like Daisy Buchanan,” he said.

She looked up at him with a rosy smile. “I don’t know who that is.”

He regarded her with wonder. “Are you sure you belong in this decade?”

They talked of sparrows and matchboxes. When his washer died, he transferred his left hand glove to the dryer next to hers. He loved the smell of laundry. It was his third favorite smell in the whole world.

They sat watching her underwear go round. All the dryer barrels rotated clockwise. When the buzzer announced her clothes were dry, she scooped them into a crayon red dufflebag and told him she had to go practice her cello. He asked if he might come along and listen. She thought about it for a moment—finger to lips and eyes heavenward—then decided it would be alright. He took the glove from the dryer, interrupting its cycle. Even though it was still a little moist, he slid it over his left hand. Then he helped carry her laundry to a tiny practice room above a discount jukebox retailer. The room was strewn with sheet music and peacock feathers. She lit a red candle and placed it in the center of the floor, then began rosining her bow. Griff slouched on a beanbag in the corner and listened to her run through a repertoire of Schubert.

Cello was his favorite symphonic instrument. The musky wooden sound made him imagine a dancing golem. It had a very sensible tonality—as though it was not prone to vanity or foolhardiness. He felt he could depend on the cello. He listened until his eyelids grew heavy and he nodded off.

She tapped him on the shoulder gently to wake him. “I finished my practice,” she told him. He rubbed his eyes, reoriented himself.

“I need to be getting home,” he said. “Martyr will wonder what happened to me.”

“You shouldn’t go back there,” she told him sadly. “Something bad will happen.”

“I know, but it’s where I live.”

He started the long walk home. It was much colder than before. He shivered, hands buried deep in pockets. The glove felt good on his left hand. He was glad he had found it. He turned up the narrow road that led home. Inside Martyr lay inert on the floor. The eggs in her neck had hatched and the newborns were nowhere to be seen.

The Interloper

She skittered across the stream of music on half-submerged rocks only she could see, a blur of swirling gypsy skirts and tossed cinnamon hair. As long as I’d known her, I still found it impossible not to admire her as she danced, a burst of color across a monochrome tableau. The room was packed nose to armpit, well over capacity, and yet her path was kept clear as though some kind of sorcery was at work.

Inevitably the music ceased and the listeners drained out of the bricklined antechamber in search of beer or cigarettes or both. The band began packing up their gear. I held her drink while she slipped into her white coat. Everyone else in the place wore black. A man with elaborately braided hair approached. I had noticed him earlier, eyeing her as she danced. He put his hand on her shoulder and steered her away from me. “I’m going to speak with her a few minutes,” he informed me. I disliked his condescension but couldn’t help but be impressed by his confidence. “That’s up to her,” I shrugged.

I found myself in a conversation with the wildhaired drummer about European folk music. I only half-listened, keeping one eye on the man who had maneuvered her towards a corner and was leaning forward, an arm at her side. She was sipping from a new glass of something greenish which he had handed her. I finished my own drink and was considering a replacement when she returned with the man trailing behind her. “He’s going to take me home,” she told me. His cavalier expression indicated that he intended to add her to his collection. “Of course he is.” I leaned in, lowering my voice. “I think he slipped something into your drink.” “I know,” she said.

She kissed me on the cheek and said she’d see me later, then turned and followed the man out. I felt a headache creeping up the stem of my brain and the drummer’s impassioned raving was of no help. I excused myself and went outside into the wintery midnight. I walked down the block past a sleepy row of brownstones to an empty playground. I sat on a swing that was too small for me and swung in a gentle but wobbling arc. The night air was frigid but I didn’t mind. It felt peaceful. I was amazed at how quiet a city of this size was capable of being. The only sounds were the creak of the swing’s chain and the electric buzz of a lone streetlamp at the edge of the playground.

A thin silhouette emerged from the darkness and headed towards me. It was her. “How’d it go?” I asked. “Wonderful,” she said, licking the blood from her canine teeth.

The Vigilante

Pockmark Pete came into the cafe looking haggard but satisfied, like he’d just spent a weekend in a cheap motel room with a spry nymphet. He collapsed onto a stool at the end of the counter and the stool protested under his formidable weight. He pushed his red flannel cap back on his head and ordered a coffee and a slice of key lime pie. Behind the counter, Ferris poured a steaming cup of coffee and slid it in his direction. Pete gripped the cup for warmth with dirt-encrusted hands that looked incapable of coming clean.

Ferris was a lanky figure with a long scrawny neck and a bulging adam’s apple that looked like a golf ball had lodged halfway down his throat. “Whatcha know, Pete?”

“I’ll tell you what I know! No one around here has to worry about that animal killer anymore. The boys and me just caught him hiding behind some bushes at the edge of the ballfield, just waiting for some stray pet to come along. We pounced on him before he could get a word out. ‘This is what we do with animal killers around here!’ we told him. Then we took turns going to work on him. Gave him something to think about, that’s for sure. We carved up his face real good, broke all his fingers one by one, and then cut out his tongue. That one was Jarby’s idea. He wanted to string him up too but I said killing him would be too good for the rat ass bastard. So we left him unconscious there in the dirt next to third base and called in an anonymous tip to the cops. Jarby took the tongue home as a keepsake.”

“Wow,” said Ferris, visibly stunned. “I guess a lot of pet owners will sleep soundly tonight.”

“That’s a fact.”

“So who was it? Did you recognize him?”

“Don’t know.” Pete finished the last bite of pie and licked a smear of whipped cream from his upper lip. “Some drifter most likely. Lean fella. Buzz haircut. Creepy eyes like they’d seen into Hell. Weird birthmark on his cheek.”

“Birthmark, you say? Like a half moon under his eye?”

“Yeah, that’s the bastard. You seen him around?”

“I know him. That’s Greg Kipple. He used to come in here fairly regular. Hate to tell you this, Pete, but he ain’t no animal killer. He’s been overseas in the service and just got back two days ago. Them killings have been going on for well over a month now so it couldn’t of been him.”

Pete wrinkled his nose as if in annoyance. “Well what was he doing lurking in the bushes all suspicious-like?”

“Dunno.” Ferris reached over and refilled the cup of coffee. “Maybe he was looking for a lost baseball or something.”

Pockmark Pete added a liberal dose of sugar to his cup and sat stirring it absently, watching the swirls go round. “Say Ferris,” he said, “be a pal and don’t mention to anyone what I told you, yeah?”

Dead Man’s Shoe

A dead man lay across the entrance to an alley on Camouflage Boulevard. The stiff fingers of the hand curled upward like the teeth of a rake. He wore a dark blazer that was stained with something sickstomach green. His left shoe was untied. His right shoe was missing. His face was blotched with purple bruises, which may have given some indication as to a possible cause of death. He lay on a bed of sandwich wrappers and mildewed cardboard.

Horace and Cornelia Fassbinder walked along the sidewalk, having just purchased a chamois lampshade from Pendergrast’s All-Nite Lamp Emporium. Horace carried it tucked under one arm.

“Careful,” Horace warned his wife. “You nearly stepped on that gentleman’s hand.”

“Oh, I didn’t see him. I might have fallen.”

She gingerly stepped over the hand and the couple made their way to their automobile, a two door 1966 Bentley with a moose-colored finish. A policeman with nonregulation sideburns was preoccupied with fastening a ticket to the windshield wiper. The wiper’s grip was weak and the ticket kept slipping down.

“Officer, we were only away from the car for a moment,” Horace spoke up, perturbed. “Surely you can find it in your heart to tear up that little ticket of yours and scatter it to the wind.”

“Besides,” added his wife, “there’s a drunk lying in that alley. Ought you rather be arresting him for vagrancy instead of harassing law-abiding citizens like my husband?”

“I don’t think he’s drunk,” said Horace thoughtfully. “I’m inclined to believe he is deceased.”

“Then this policeman should be arranging to have him properly disposed of. The idea of letting him lie there for decent people to stumble over. I could have broken a heel.”

“My wife has a point, officer. After all, our tax dollars contribute to cleaning up this town, not for bodies to be left strewn about the streets like some kind of stockyard.”

After Horace placed the lampshade in the trunk, he and his wife indignantly climbed into their automobile and drove away, the deep baritone of Tennessee Ernie Ford bellowing from the radio. Shrugging, the policeman tore the ticket in fourths and dropped the scraps in a nearby wastebin. He strode over to the corpse and gave it a lazy kick in the leg.

“Hey buddy, let’s move it along, eh?”

The corpse refused to move. The policeman crouched low, careful not to scuff the knees of his uniform, and felt the man’s wrist for a pulse. Finding none, he took hold of the corpse’s legs and dragged him deeper into the alley where the body would longer be a hazard to the feet of pedestrians. Satisfied with his work, the policeman dusted off his sleeves and headed up the boulevard, keeping an eager eye out for troublemakers in need of reprimand.

~~~~~

Not three blocks away, in a dingy pawnshop whose considerable contents were in clear violation of fire codes, a squintyeyed character in a mustard-smeared trenchcoat was doing his best to persuade the moleish pawnbroker to accept a single ragged shoe.

“This is only the right shoe,” said the pawnbroker, tilting his glasses to better appraise the object in question. “Where’s its left counterpart?”

“This was the only one I had time to get,” Squinteye admitted.

“Well, this one’s no good to me without the other.” He sniffed. “Besides, it smells queer. Where did you find it?”

“Never mind that. Just give me five bucks for it. You could always sell it as a flower pot or a tool for hammering.”

“No can do. It’s against store policy.”

Squinteye pinched his stubbly chin and mulled. He was reluctant to give up without something to show for his efforts. “How much will you give me for just the lace?”

“Just the lace without the shoe?”

“That’s right.”

“Fifty cents.”

“Aw, come now, that’s an awful nice shoelace. Feel how durable it is. Surely it’s worth at least a buck.”

“Not to me it ain’t.”

“A skinflint is what you are,” Squinteye grumbled. Nevertheless, he agreed to trade the shoelace for the fifty cents. He was hungry and knew where he could find a bag of salted peanuts for that much. It paid to have connections.

~~~~~

The pawnbroker locked up his shop and went home to his modest third-floor walkup which overlooked a sprawling trainyard. In the vestibule he leaned against a wobbly console table and shoehorned off his shoes, letting them drop with a thud, one after the other. Socks aflop, he went into the kitchen, which reeked of oregano.

His wife sat at the kitchen table watching “The Dating Game” on a staticky portable television with a crooked antenna and putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a New England barn. Having put this particular puzzle together at least six times before, she had become quite efficient at it. Only the sky area gave her trouble since all the blue pieces looked identical.

“You look tired,” she said.

“I feel like a burnt out match.”

He spiked a glass of lemonade with rum and stood on the balcony watching disgruntled yard workers below scrubbing graffiti off a train. He nursed an impulse to flee to coastal Maine and eat lobsters with plastic forks as the wind blew napkins into the bay. He felt a sneeze rising but was unable to coax it out. The sneeze felt wedged somewhere in the back of his throat. He was very tired.

Having fit the last of the puzzle pieces into place, his wife got up and put a plate of leftover lasagna in the microwave. Then she went onto the balcony to ask her husband if he wanted any. She found him slumped over the balcony railing, his face grimly red. His glass of spiked lemonade had slipped out of his grip and fallen to the pavement below and shattered, forming a stain in the shape of a moth.

~~~~~

The pawnbroker’s wife sat in the lobby of the hospital, flipping absently through an issue of Psychology Today. She thought the plant on the center table needed watering until she realized it was a fake and wondered why it had been designed to look so thirsty. She fidgeted and shifted in her chair. The only other occupant of the waiting room was an old man in a tweed suit who appeared to be asleep. Behind the bulletproof reception window a nurse tapped her pencil and hummed off-key. Finally the doctor came in, bleary-eyed and anemic. He carried a clipboard with nothing clipped to it.

“Will he be okay?” she asked him.

“Not exactly,” said the doctor. “He’s dead.”

The pawnbroker’s wife was distressed to hear this.

~~~~~

On the second floor of the hospital parking garage the anemic doctor sat behind the wheel of his dinosaur egg-blue Bentley Continental, a lit cigarette between his trembling fingers. His smoky exhalations grimed up the windshield. He couldn’t remember what prompted him to start smoking, since as a doctor he knew better. Some kind of late stage rebellion perhaps. His youthful straightlaced days at medical school were now hazy, like a movie he had seen a long time ago and forgotten about because the plot wasn’t very good and the characters not well-drawn.

He stubbed his cigarette out on the leather seat cushion. Was this even his car? He had the keys to it, so most likely it belonged to him. A pointless status symbol which he had probably been pressured into buying. He turned on the radio. The dial was set to a talk radio station. He turned it back off again. There were no cassettes in the glove compartment. He didn’t remember what kind of music he liked. Or if he even liked music at all. He started the engine and drove out of the parking garage. At the gate the attendant shortchanged him.

On the boulevard he found himself embedded in stubborn traffic that refused to budge. A policeman with nonregulation sideburns was having no luck detouring the traffic stream at the next intersection. Instead of leaning on the horn like the other drivers around him, the doctor spent his moments watching the pedestrians on the sidewalk with envy. They were all in too much of a hurry for the deadly mire of introspection. Up ahead two laughing hoodlums beat up a pretzel vendor and stole his pushcart. He changed the temperature control from air condition to vent. The smell of fried dough and urine seeped into the car interior.

Soon traffic picked up and he followed the path of least resistance, which brought him to the east side of the city. Somehow he wound up on the Great Bridge where he pulled over to one side and put on his hazard lights. He got out of the car and leaned against the railing, looking out at the grey sprawl of city stretching into the distance. He removed his white coat with his name stitched above the left pocket and flung it over the side of the bridge. He watched it fall like a wounded seagull into the river.

 

Artist’s Model

I got off the train in Bushwick as I had been instructed in the email. The hefty umbrella I had brought along turned out to be unnecessary, since the sun was now out and showed no indication of going away anytime soon. My profession often brought me out to this part of Brooklyn, but the directions led me into an area that looked unfamiliar. I walked past 99-cent stores and all-night laundromats and restaurants with menus in Spanish hanging in the windows. Somewhere along the way I crossed the border into Queens without anyone stopping me and asking to see my papers.

I passed squat buildings with rounded facades, car services, tax preparers, tiny travel agencies that looked like a front for something illicit, old men with huge bellies sitting on folding chairs and staring off into space, excited little hulahooping girls, and withered old gypsies scavenging for refundable bottles in the unlikeliest of places. The menus in the restaurant windows changed from Spanish to Polish. I found the sandstone row house bearing the address which I had hastily scribbled on the back of an eviction notice. In the enclosed concrete yard out front was a row of black trash barrels that looked like they could easily store an unconscious body. A broken pink tricycle was chained to the iron fence, its decapitated handlebars lying nearby.

I rang the doorbell to what I assumed was apartment six and waited. There was no visible intercom so I figured it might take a while for the tenant to put on his shoes and whatever else required putting on and come down the stairs to let me in. But more time passed than I thought necessary. I rang again. If he wasn’t home after setting up this appointment with me and making me come all this way out here I was afraid I might behave unreasonably. A short man with a false leg approached from behind me and hobbled up the stoop. I stood aside to let him brush past and unlock the door with the key that was chained to his beltloop.

“You come in?” he asked me in secondhand English.

“I’m visiting apartment six.”

He nodded and held the door for me. I stepped out of the sunshine and into the bleak hallway that smelled overwhelmingly of chalkdust. I thanked the man and started up the narrow stairs. He watched me from below, a strange mask of a smile on his face which I didn’t know how to interpret. As I climbed the steps made grunting noises like I was hurting them. My foot nearly came down on the carcass of a something that wasn’t quite a cockroach lying bellyup on the second floor landing before I spotted it in time.

I reached the third floor and knocked on the door to apartment six. There was a rustling from within and I saw a shadow momentarily obstruct the light behind the peephole. The door opened to reveal a disheveled man in his mid-thirties. He wore a wrinkled t-shirt depicting an anime squirrel in a fedora. His eyeballs looked like they had been hastily shoved into their sockets.

“Ambrose?” I asked. He blinked at me a few times. “I’m Daphne. We were supposed to meet for a session today.”

He snapped out of his trance. “Oh. My doorbell doesn’t work. I’m sorry, I forgot.”

“Do you want me to come back another time?” I asked this politely but as far as I was concerned only one answer was acceptable.

“Yeah. I mean, no. Come in. I was just working.”

A short hallway opened up to a larger space which looked like it would have been ideal for an artist’s studio, but strangely I saw no trace of an easel or art supplies. The apartment smelled of rotting wood and overcooked potatoes. He removed a stack of hardbound books from a frayed wicker chair and offered me a seat.

“Is this to be a nude?” I asked.

“Yes.” Then, hurriedly, “You don’t mind, right?”

“No, I’m used to it.”

As I started to disrobe he sat down before a wobbly table and opened a laptop adorned with a sticker of Aquaman that appeared upside down when the lid was open. “Now for this first scene I need you draped back and looking forlorn, maybe a little pensive.”

“No problem,” I mumbled through my sweater, pulled comically half over my head. I watched him stare wordlessly at his laptop, as if he had forgotten how to operate it. “So you paint straight onto the computer, huh? That’s pretty cool. Keeping up with technology and all.”

He looked startled. “What? No. I’m not a painter. I’m a novelist.”

I continued posing for him steadily for the next few months. He paid well and never got weird on me, at least not any weirder than the usual artists I worked for. Along with a few other modeling jobs I made enough to avoid being evicted, which was pretty much all I could wish for. A year later when his book was published everyone agreed he had captured my likeness remarkably well.

The Adventures of Dust Devil and Lightning Boy

Entries from Lightning Boy’s diary:

Oct 3. Foggy tonight. My favorite weather for crimebusting! Ideal for dramatic silhouettes on rooftops. Dust Devil and I noticed some suspicious activity along the waterfront just after midnight and closed in to investigate. We hid behind some crates and waited with bated breath as several fedoraed shadows slipped out of a warehouse. Escargot smugglers, it later turned out. As they came around the corner, we pounced. DD took on four of them at once! He whirled around so swiftly they could barely see him. He’s a real force of nature! I managed to tackle two of them myself. Another stepped out from behind a crate and aimed a nickel-plated pistol at DD but I was able to zap him with a lightning bolt just in time. “Thanks, Lightning Boy!” DD exclaimed, as his fist crashed into the lantern jaw of a hoodlum. Once all the bad guys were KO’ed, we tied them up and left them for the police. Then we celebrated our triumph with a large pizza with extra sauce from Minnie’s. A job well done! We returned to the Weather Shack feeling good about events. My new iron-on lightning symbol on my bicep is giving me a rash. I wonder if I’m allergic to the fabric.

Oct 4. Slow night. Spotted a jaywalker on Sardine Street, but decided he wasn’t worth the effort of apprehending. Patrolled Thai-town on the lookout for secret opium factories with little result. Stopped in for a chat with Captain Blighter at police headquarters. His daughter Angela is engaged to an air traffic controller. Blighter thinks he’s a decent enough fellow, but not very motivated, career-wise. He assured us we’re invited to the wedding (as our alter egos of course). I’ll admit to being a tad jealous. That Angela is a real looker. I sure wouldn’t mind rescuing her from a villain’s evil clutches.

Oct 5. Light drizzle. We interrupted a hardware store robbery on the east side of town. Just one holdup man with a ski mask and an unloaded gun. Routine stuff. Later we met up with Ratso, our trusty informant, in an all-night cafe. He tells us there’s an ugly rumor going around the underworld that there’s something unsavory between DD and me. “That’s absurd,” I said. DD says it’s just a psychological trick used to bolster their confidence. I suppose he’s right. On the drive home I suggested altering our costumes to something a little more loose-fitting, but DD says tights are a superhero tradition which must be upheld. Gosh, sometimes he can be so maddeningly conservative.

Oct 6. Slow night. An alarm went off at the Museum of Yogurt but it turned out to have been triggered by the night watchman. Accidentally, he says, although I have a hunch he did it on purpose as an excuse to meet DD and me. But I have no real evidence, just a suspicion. Before we left he asked us to sign his logbook. Sketched up some designs of a new, more hiphop-flavored Lightning Boy costume. Haven’t the nerve to show them to DD.

Oct 7. Clear skies. Constellations prominent. I think I spotted Pegasus, though I’d left my astronomy guidebook at home so I couldn’t be positive. We busted up a gambling racket in the Tenderloin district. Went well at first. The ringleader tried to escape but DD cornered him in an elevator and dealt him a crippling blow! But then one of the crooks taunted us using a derogatory slur which insinuated an inappropriate relationship between DD and me. I got really mad and socked him right in the nose, breaking it. Blood everywhere. Boy, I can really pack a wallop! DD later said I overreacted, which was very unlike me. “It’s just cheap innuendo,” he said. “Don’t take it personally.” He never gets his tailfeathers ruffled over things like that. He was right, I suppose. We cut short our patrol so I could take it easy. We swung through the drive-thru of Tasty Burger and DD ordered me a strawberry shake. He knows I love shakes. He can be very conscientious sometimes.

Oct 8. Stopped a truck hijacking down in the warehouse district. I blinded the driver with a lightning bolt and he crashed into a telephone pole. Then DD dispatched the hijackers without much fuss. DD has taken to calling me “Lighty.” I hate that. Especially when he does it in front of the bad guys and then they snicker at me. Boy, does that make me feel stupid. Next time he does it I think I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear him. I’ll look away as if lost in thought while he keeps repeating it until he finally says “Lightning Boy” properly. Then I’ll turn my head and go “yes?” That should get the hint across, I think.

Oct 9. Slashed my goshdarn finger on a goshdarn barbed fence while we were chasing after a pursesnatcher. DD asked if I wanted him to kiss it and make it better. I thought he was joking at first. He sounded disappointed when I laughed it off. Sometimes I don’t get him.

Oct 10. Uneventful patrol. Ended up at the arcade playing pinball. I know we should be pleased when crime is low, but sometimes I get awfully restless.

Oct 11. Took a bit of a spill over a parapet this evening while chasing a cat burglar. Luckily a fire escape broke my fall, but I bruised my shoulder something fierce. Boy, am I getting clumsy lately. While I sat there trying to get my bearings, DD came up and started rubbing the sore spot. I’m not very comfortable with personal contact and asked him to stop. He sulked the rest of the evening. What’s that all about?

Oct 12. Wow. I’m still not sure how to process what happened. Still shaken up. Captain Blighter woke me by coming to the door of the Weather Shack early this morning before sunrise. Instead of coming home after our patrol last night, it turns out DD headed down to the docks where he was picked up by an undercover cop. Blighter was vague about the charges but apparently it involved something inappropriate with a minor. I insisted it couldn’t be true. Nobody was more wholesome and law-abiding than DD. He must have been framed by a conniving evildoer. But Captain Blighter said, “Trust me, there wasn’t any room for misinterpretation.” Sure, DD had been behaving a little strange the last week or so, but I can’t believe he’d do anything with such flagrant disregard for the law. My mind is still reeling. I just can’t find it in my heart to go out on patrol alone while DD is locked up in jail.

Oct 13. Captain Blighter says the police intend to make it appear that DD was killed while foiling a bomb threat to the city. They don’t want word to get around about his arrest. Blighter says if DD’s integrity is tarnished it’ll be a big win for the bad guys, which will boost their confidence and might lead to a rampant city-wide crime spree. I can see his point. Gosh, so I guess this spells the end of the heroic duo of Dust Devil and Lightning Boy. I suppose I’ll need to look for a new line of work. Or maybe I can find a new mentor. Perhaps Cougar Woman could use a sidekick. I’ll ask her when I see her next. I would need a new identity of course. I wonder if Puma Boy is registered.

Operation: Bandersnatch

Crux showed his identification papers to the guard and gave the password: “Dervish.” The guard nodded curtly and pressed a button that opened the gate. Crux went through. He entered the drab brick building that served as headquarters. A poorly-lit hallway brought him to a low-ceilinged briefing room where he found several surly soldiers clustered around a tactical table. He felt them size him up as he entered and he returned the favor. He wasn’t going to have any trouble from them, he surmised with confidence. And even if he did it would be short-lived. Coolly, he pushed back a folding chair and settled onto the seat, resting one of his heavy combat boots on the rim of the chair in front of him. He began to pick his teeth with a wooden splinter.

The General came into the room, reeking of authority. His eyes were piercing, like a bird of prey. A scar ran along the crown of his bald head. The amount of shit he gave was little to none. “Alright men,” he began, and all spines in the room instantly straightened. “Here’s the situation. The Nazis have captured Professor Logworm, the imminent nuclear physicist. Their interrogation methods are, let us say, notoriously infallible. It is imperative we get him back before he spills the proverbial beans. We know he’s being held in a fortified castle in Bavaria.” He indicated a spot on a map of Germany which hung on the wall behind him. “So here’s what’s going to happen. Tonight the lot of you will be flown into enemy territory where you will parachute down behind enemy lines. You will have to make your way through the Black Forest without detection. The castle is built atop a cliff with its back facing a sheer drop. You will have to scale this back wall where it is minimally guarded. Hanson here is an expert mountain climber and will lead this stage of the assault.”

A wiry man with a pencil mustache acknowledged this with a slight nod.

“Now two of you, Rickard and Drubber, speak fluent German. You two will be given forged papers and will make your way through the front gate by impersonating inspectors. Your task is to cause enough of a distraction to let the rest of the team slip into the castle unnoticed.”

Drubber, a preposterously muscled American, spat on the floor. “I work alone.”

“Not this time,” said the General. “And spit on my floor once more and you’ll be mopping it up with your face.”

Drubber turned crimson but said nothing.

“Now,” the General continued, “we’re almost certain the professor is being kept in a cell down in the catacombs.” He unrolled a scroll of paper and laid it across the table. “Fortunately we managed to get our hands on this blueprint of the castle. The most likely spot you’ll find him is marked here. We expect the professor will be in no condition to climb down the castle wall so once you find him you’ll have to burst your way out. We’re counting on the element of surprise for this. Crux here is a mechanic and hotwiring expert. It’ll be his job to locate a vehicle on the premises to use for your escape. Once you cross the Gotterdammerung River you can blow up the bridge behind you to slow down your pursuers. Garbo here is a demolitions technician and he will handle that. We’ll have a plane awaiting here,” pointing on the map, “at the abandoned airfield near the village of Löffelstadt to fly you the hell out of there. We are calling this mission Operation: Bandersnatch. Now then, any questions?”

“Yeah,” said Crux, leaning back in his chair. “I have one.”

The General’s eyes narrowed. “Well?”

“Can we warn the Nazi pigfuckers ahead of time that we’re coming, to make it a challenge?”

Crux sat on the edge of his cot cleaning the blade of his V-42 stiletto. He was ordered to get a few hours of sleep before the flight was to leave, but he was too pumped with adrenaline for that. He held up the knife and imagined it slicing through the jugular of a Nazi. He knew how to cut to ensure a maximum amount of pain. When it came to Nazis he despised a quick death.

He took out a photo of a voluptuous blonde in a sweater. This was Vera, his girl back home. Or at least she had been. She didn’t understand why he hadn’t taken a safe desk job back in the States when he had the chance. She didn’t understand that the Nazis needed exterminating. And he couldn’t do that from behind a desk. Before he left the States she angrily told him she didn’t want to see him again. But he knew she would change her mind when he returned. She was nuts about him, he knew, and she couldn’t just walk away that easily. Besides, who in their right mind would turn away a war hero? He tucked the photo in the breast pocket of his uniform for good luck.

There was a knock on the door. Crux grabbed his pack and went out to an idling jeep. He climbed in and was driven across the base to the runway where the others were assembled beside an awaiting B-17.

“Good luck, men,” said the General, giving a stiff salute. “Don’t let me down.”

They climbed aboard the plane and moments later were airborne. They rode in silence. Crux lit a cigarette to pass the time. His nerves were rock steady. His years of dedicated training culminated in this moment. He was ready to spill some Nazi blood.

“We’re over Germany,” the pilot called back to them over the roar of the engines.

The team triplechecked their parachutes and got ready for the jump. The pilot opened the drop hatch. A burst of bonechilling air rushed into the fuselage. The forest below scrolled by like the perforated roll of a player piano. The pilot gave the signal. One after the other the soldiers leapt out of the plane into empty space. Their parachutes could barely be seen against the inky night sky, like shadows of jellyfish. Crux glanced down to see the dark earth rushing up at him. He saw what looked like a small clearing and aimed for it. A gust of wind dragged him in another direction, directly towards a cluster of trees. That was all he needed, he thought, to get tangled up in the branches of a tree and have to cut himself down.

He crashed full-force into the upper reaches of a Norway spruce. His head caught in the V of a protruding branch and he heard a sharp jarring snap, which turned out to be the sound of his neck breaking.

FIN

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